Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
whose ass print is on the piano?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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