Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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