Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
