What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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