can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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