I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I think I just sharted jello shots
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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