so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
