Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
