In the future we'll all be gay
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
