2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
