i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
