i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
