I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
