Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
