I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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