is your mom at the bar?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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