he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
