She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
