I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
