I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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