Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
