I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
