I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
