I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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