I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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