dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
