Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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