Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
