i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
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