You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
