he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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