That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Im just a social blackout drinker.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Randomize
