you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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