toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
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Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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