you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
