Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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