He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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