that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
