I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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