we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
