I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
