the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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