WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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