Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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