You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
