I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
