I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
