Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
