I feel like abortions should bother me more
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I want her autograph on my taint
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
