there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
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Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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