Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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