Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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