i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
