I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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