The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
