Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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