Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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