I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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