Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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