So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
