yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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