if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
